(NOT PUBLISHED) Supporting Marriages

One of the most important ways parents can connect with one another is to have meaningful conversations. During cancer, many parents find that conversations revolve around daily tasks and medical needs. Treatment decisions, responsibilities at home, and daily routines get the most attention. It is natural to fall into these patterns. Here are some things that can help promote better communication.

• Talk 1-on-1. Set aside at least 15 minutes per day to talk to each other. Use video or phone calls if needed. The key is taking time to connect.
• Minimize distractions. When possible, speak privately. Parents often avoid topics or speak in “code” around children. When in person, put the phone down and turn off the TV.
• Make physical contact. Holding hands or sitting close can create a deeper emotional connection.
• Discuss feelings. Talk less about what each person did or needs to do and more about how each person feels. The longer people go without sharing feelings, the harder they can be to talk about. Make sure to give space and support for negative emotions.

Even though there is far less time when caring for a sick child, couples still need time together. Time together provides the opportunity to refresh and deepen an emotional connection as partners instead of parents and caregivers.

Ideas to spend more time as a couple include:

• Enlisting the help of friends or family to organize regular dates. This can even include a night away if possible.
• Spending only a portion of time on the date talking about children.
• Setting aside time after the kids go to sleep to be together. Plan a simple activity, from watching a movie to enjoying a dessert.
• Planning kind gestures. Small actions like leaving a nice note, making coffee, taking care of things on a partner’s to-do list, or picking out a small gift can demonstrate that the relationship is important.

During times of stress, spouses often become targets of frustration and anger. This can happen for different reasons. Some partners may use conflict as an emotional outlet in an attempt to relieve stress. Others may direct negative emotions toward a spouse instead of the actual cause. Sometimes, parents misinterpret their own emotions and express worry or fear as anger instead. Over time, being a target of negative emotions can push people away. Identifying underlying feelings and expressing them more accurately can be an important tool to reduce conflicts and encourage positive interactions.

Each parent reacts to a child’s illness differently. Some withdraw. Some work a lot to keep their mind off the illness. Others appear outwardly angry or sad. These responses are natural. However, a spouse’s reaction can sometimes be surprising and unsettling to partners. Understanding and accepting other coping styles gives people space to adjust and work through difficult emotions and problems.

A physical connection is important in marriages. However, romantic relationships and physical intimacy typically change when their child is fighting cancer. Caregiver demands can make it hard to find time alone. Some parents may be less interested in sex because of sadness or fatigue. Others may actually want more physical intimacy to relieve stress or emotionally connect with their partners. These are natural feelings, but difference in desires can cause stress in a relationship. It is important for parents to communicate about physical intimacy and discuss needs and expectations. Couples should try to avoid taking long breaks from physical intimacy as much as possible.

For partners with less interest in sex, try:

• Finding ways to show a partner there is still attraction. Give a compliment, show appreciation, or say, “I love you”.
• Holding a partner tenderly, as this can increase a feeling of intimacy.
• Finding a common ground regarding expectations about sex.

For partners with more interest in sex, try:

• Touching a partner affectionately without expecting sex. This includes hugging, cuddling, holding hands and sitting next to each other.
• Paying attention to friendship. Doing things as a couple, helping more at home, and doing small things can bring couples closer physically as well as emotionally.
• Backing off for a while. This is not always easy, but sometimes taking a break from sex can help reduce tension and pressure for intimacy.

For strong marriages, open and honest communication is key. Unresolved conflict and lack of intimacy (emotional or physical) cause additional stress on the family and limit the support that parents can provide one another. But something does not have to be “wrong” to seek help. Marriage and family counseling can be an important source of strength during childhood cancer. Psychologists and other mental health providers can provide practical skills and resources to help couples talk about feelings, address concerns, and cope during difficult times.